Depression is a tricky thing to deal with. It sneaks up on you sometimes. Like a sneeze or dejá vu.
I recently thought I had the world in my hands. I was 17 weeks pregnant, my daughter getting honor role, again, in her AP classes and preparing for college in the fall.
My other daughter is doing wonderful in school, and my other is getting prepared for kindergarten.
My little one totally healthy growing inside me. My marriage totally on the right track.
Until we went to get dinner and my water broke. I felt it, something wrong with my baby. Depression creeping up, knowing something wasn’t right.
I was told to stay at home and rest, the emergency room to be my first stop the next day. The ultrasound showed Mercy totally happy, playing inside with a healthy heart rate of 152.
I could feel it coming, creeping up right before the “ah-choo”.
She had no fluid, totally dry. I was told to go home and rest and drink, drink, drink. And pray.
And there it was, the sneeze that is depression.
I delivered Friday night at 10:45 p.m. She was so tiny and beautiful. And had been strangled by her umbilical cord.
And there was the deep breath you take after the sneeze. It’s like you inhale the darkness in that deep breath.
My daughter was deceased. I was broken.
I didn’t think I’d ever be okay again.
And then a few weeks later, I lost a good friend in a car accident .
And she was with me. Depression. Like a shadow. Stuck and I didn’t think she’d ever go away.
But I have so many reasons to fight thru the fog.
When the alarm goes off in the morning there are children waiting for me to get them prepared for the day. They need me. And they’re constantly telling me they love me.
I have a 17 year old who comes to me for everything. I am getting texts constantly from her.
I have a husband who is working his butt off to repair a marriage left in shambles and pick up a broken wife.
I have to realize I’m not the only one who lost a daughter. So did my husband, my girls lost their sister.
I go to my blog to vent, I cry on my husband’s shoulder.
I have so much to be thankful for. I need to fight. Cleanse this air.
I do it for Leo, Cassidy, Paige, Sophie and most importantly myself.
This bout was a tough one. Still fighting.
I will never get over the loss of our daughter. Unfortunately, depression will always sneak up when I see her face when I close my eyes at night.
But I will fight. With every thing in me. It’s a daily battle, but I will not spend the rest of my life crying on my pillows, and showing my children what a debilitating thing depression is.
I want them to fight. I want them to win. I want them to never know the darkness of depression.
So I have to be the light, no matter what it takes.
by Tracy Levine.