As I begin to write this, “Round and round the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel” repeats in my head…it is so much like the article I’m about to write. Depression, food, depression, food, rinse, repeat.
They say it is about image, those who don’t know much about it. And in most cases it may have started that way, but like most things it’s the one thing we all desire most over everything, control.
I was 12 when I was diagnosed with bulimia, it progressed into anorexia and at 14 I was 5’7″ and bottomed out at 99 pounds.
I was given a choice to walk into an eating disorders clinic or be pink slipped, because I was slowly killing myself.
And eating disorders have so much in common with so many other control based disorders.
When life is spiraling out of control, those of us diagnosed with addictions, which I believe this is one, grab onto something we believe we can control.
And after 25 years of this battle, I still think I have control over food and what it does and means to me.
And it all begins when my depression comes knocking. As I’m in a battle as we constantly speak, or I speak, anyways.
I’m still suffering from depression over the loss of our daughter. And I decide to diet and work out as a healthy outlet for that depression.
Which will inevitably leave me curled over a toilet bowl, crying as I purge, questioning why I do this to myself and why it won’t stop, unless I intervene first.
So last summer I decided to try the 21 Day Fix. A healthy regimen of exercise and portioned food.
And it worked perfectly. Then the exercises got a little modified to fit in more, then more.
I lost 40 pounds and 24 inches in 5 weeks.
And life happened and it came to an abrupt halt.
So here I am again. At a cross roads. Tired of binge eating. Tired of the unhealthy eating leading to more depression leading to more unhealthy eating. So it’s here I make a choice. Today I decide my fate.
I have decided that tomorrow, Sunday, June 12, 2016 I will not succumb to anorexia, bulimia or binge eating, or the depression and self loathing that stems from it.
I will maintain a healthy regimen of workouts, diet, protein shakes, and vitamin supplements. I will make it my goal to lead a healthy lifestyle, in and outside my body, my “temple”.
I will see where this gets me. A journey I’ll update you on monthly, even if as only a side note.
But isn’t it funny how it all begins with that nasty little word that got us here in the first place… control.
by Tracy Levine